The relationship between your counsellor and you is an intimate one, not like the one that you have with your dentist or GP. A counsellor that worked for your friend or a family member need not necessarily work for you. Finding someone you can trust, someone you feel comfortable talking to about difficult subjects and intimate secrets, someone who will be a partner in your recovery, can make all the difference. It will probably take some work, but it is worth the effort since having a relationship of trust with your therapist is a vital step in your journey to recovery.

Drawing from my personal experience with therapy, at first, I was unclear about where to start and what I was looking for. I wasn’t sure if therapy was working for me when I first started, but over time I made sense of what worked for me. Each of us has our preferences and that is OK. I have tried to capture some questions/pointers that might be helpful in your search. (especially if you are new to the counselling experience and don’t know where to start).

Getting recommendation

• If you feel like you are contemplating suicide or self-harm, then do not delay the process of looking for a counsellor, reach out to us and we can share relevant helpline numbers and give you the support that you need.
• If your GP or Psychiatrist recommended counselling, ask them for recommendations, that might be a good place to start.
• If you feel ready to start having these conversations, ask your friends or family for recommendations (If they recommend their own counsellors, ask them what they like about them, you don’t need to be looking for the same things) 
• Look online for organisations that emphasise on values that resonate with you like: confidentiality, non-judgemental counsellors, trust etc.
• Many organisations have EAP programmes with access to counselling support, reach out to your organisations’ HR to understand if there is a support structure in place

What are you looking for from therapy?

Drawing on my personal experience with therapy, I had no idea what I was looking for when I started. It might help to connect with your reasons and personal preferences to help you with the search process.

• Your reason for looking for counselling support would be a great starting point. Some counsellors might specialise in certain areas, like trauma, addiction, gender therapy, couples therapy, family therapy, anxiety, depression etc and listing out your reasons might help you narrow your search down.
• Do you have a preferred gender (If you answer NO) Ask yourself if you are comfortable talking about topics that you might consider delicate or explicit with either gender?
• The age of the counsellor might be another factor that you might consider. For example, a Young client might find it difficult to open up with a counsellor who reminds them of their parents, while an older client might want someone with life experience. So you might want to ask yourself if you have any preferences with regards to age.
• What are your preferences?
  • • • Online / In-person
      • Weekdays / Weekends
      • Close to home / Close to work
      • Do you have any budgetary restrictions when it comes to the fee?
      • Do you have any fears or apprehensions about therapy? If any of those apprehensions describe fears about how therapy might make you feel, write them down and take it to your counsellor.
      • Are there any other factors that you consider critical in building a relationship with your counsellor?

Looking for a therapist online 

The way google is built the top search result might not accurately reflect the best ones, it might just mean that they spent more money on SEO than their competitors. But once you find a website these are a few things that might help you with your decision.

• When you visit their website or find their profile, check if their approach, values speak to you. There is a lot that can be understood from how their website profile or blog page makes you feel.
• If they have a blog, look at what they have to say. If you find yourself relating, that might be a great first step.
• A picture might speak a thousand words. If you have any doubts about a therapist based on their picture, follow your intuition. It helps if you can find someone who you could easily sit across from and feel comfortable with
• Read their Bio and ask yourself can I connect with this person, it helps to follow your gut on this (sometimes the most articulate or flamboyant ones are not always the best either, so receive this with a pinch of salt)
• Reading through their online profiles might tell you about areas they specialise in etc. It might help you understand the approach and skillsets they bring to your counselling relationship.

Make the call 

Your choice of therapist is an important one, it might help to get on a call with your therapist before scheduling your first paid session with them. Not all therapist offer to meet you for an interview call, and what a therapist might offer might vary (30 minutes consult calls or a brief in-person consult). Pay attention to how you feel on the phone talking with them (note: this is not a conversation with a friend, you can expect them to maintain their professional boundaries). But notice how you feel on the phone and after you have spoken to them (follow your intuition) What works for you need not be the same as the next one. For me, it is not just the answers to my questions but how they were answered that helped me make the decision.

• If you have an understanding of the kind of support you are looking for, ask them if they have any experience working with clients with similar concerns. (anxiety, depression, a phobia or an addiction)
  You can verify if they are qualified as counsellors and therapists and ask them for how long they have been practising. 
• I would be concerned if the therapist was selling themselves, or sounding superior in the way they lead the conversation with you.
• If the therapist offers you a quick fix or a guarantee (run)
  Clarify the duration of the sessions, the fees, the mode of payment, the rescheduling and cancellation policies etc

Your first month

Once you start working with a counsellor, it can take a minimum of 3 to 4 sessions (sometimes more) for you to know how you feel about the relationship. 

On your first appointment, notice how you feel when you are in the room with your new therapist. Do you feel heard when you speak? Notice how you feel in your Counsellors’ presence. Also notice if there are any red flags, any ethical, boundary issues, that starts to arise. If there are, it might be time to pick another therapist. If you decide that it isn’t a good match, discuss that with your therapist because sometimes the desire to not go back is motivated by some more unconscious anxieties about being in therapy. 

Please do not continue with therapy that is doing nothing for you, because you do not want to hurt the therapists’ feelings. At the same time, keep in mind; that the relationship with your therapist often reflects how you behave in other relationships in your life. The reason some of us choose to visit a therapist is to change or alter patterns of behaviour in our existing lives. Therefore I would recommend taking your discomfort or feelings back to your therapist before you decide to cut and run. A lot of the behavioural transformations in my own life started in the counselling room. Therapists are trained to handle your feedback and have a place to process that too, so try to focus on how you feel. But if it just isn’t the right fit, then its ok to walk away if it just doesn’t work for you. 

Therapy is not always pretty; it can get hard before it gets better. So you can expect to feel uncomfortable after several of your counselling sessions. The theoretical orientation and experience of your therapist are also not as important as the relationship between the two of you. So if the connection doesn’t feel right, or if you don’t trust the person or feel like they truly care, go with another choice. Trust your gut and allow it to help you in making this choice.

As someone new to therapy, there are many such loops you might find yourself in and if this post stirs up some questions for you, you can write to me – shylaja@bilincc.com

18-12-2020 Shylaja